


The Alagaësia Theater

by SiZodiac



Category: 8-Bit Theater, Final Fantasy, The Inheritance Cycle - Christopher Paolini
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Dark Comedy, Dimension Travel, Dysfunctional Relationships, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-20
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-29 22:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1010735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiZodiac/pseuds/SiZodiac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because the multiverse twist around the Enlightened Warrior and the Cosmic Nexus, and they end up in a (not much) different reality without neither of them realizing it. This is a story of Fighter seeking a heroic quest, Black Mage trying to work for an evil king, and about the random shenanigans happening within the lands of Alagaësia... maybe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Alagaësia Theater

The forests of Du Weldenvarden are deep and forbidding, and on the outskirt of the elven city Osilon, princess Arya and her guardians have just been ambushed.

But that's not important because who the hell cares when the fate of the world hangs in the balance. Especially when Black Mage is trying to psychic-surgery his ears off to stop the droning on and on of "Blah Blah Blah Swords Blah Blah Blah!" from his constantly hyperactive traveling cohort.

"Hey, Fighter, there's a snipe!" Black Mage points at a random direction to his left, and the redhead dimwit is immediately distracted by whatever it is  _not_  hiding within the dense leaves. And the blue robed wizard takes the chance to stage his millionth futile attempt at escape.

"Black Mage! Black Mage! Black Mage!" Fighter's eager calls echo from somewhere between the trees.

"I'm definitely not trying to leave you in the dust!" Black Mage calls back, picking up his pace to leave Fighter in the dust. "So don't follow me!"

But because the entire multi-universe is afraid of the Cosmic Nexus of destruction and misery, and for the same reason also hate him infinitely more, a conveniently existed tree root so happens to be in the way to trip Black Mage spectacularly.

"God _damnit_ ," the skinny wizard pushes himself back up from where he has fallen on his face and curses under his breath.

"Black Mage! Black Mage! Black Mage!"

"What?!" Black Mage hisses, dusting himself off and turning around in frustration... only to see a majestic stallion rear its forelegs less than a foot from where he stands.

"BM, watch out!"

And within the half second, Black Mage throws a hurricane of insult at the universe concerning the details of how he is going to grab the fabric of space-time and rip it a new one like how he did it before to its nonexistent counterpart. Because talking is a free action and everybody knows that. Before a pair of hoofs stamp on his fragile side and plant his face back into the mud.

Black Mage can hear the sounds of twenty ribs and more unidentified bones breaking.

But! At least that throws the horse into frenzy and topping its rider over to the ground. Misery sure loves company, and... dear evil deities and secondary evil deities! That woman is gorgeous! Look at that figure! And that red-ish blond hair!

Arya stumbles a little before righting herself, as she holds the important object high and starts to whisper a spell. There is no time to check what has caused her fall, the Shade is coming and she must protect the dragon egg at all costs.

Black Mage is too distracted until after the brilliant light dims, and by then Fighter has already hurried to his side with a weird looking bird in one arm and picking him up single-handedly with another. "Thanks a  _lot_ ," Black Mage says absentmindedly to his so-call friend, the sarcasm a reflex from their long years together, "I'm sure your brute force has only dislocated half of my bones."

"I'm a helper!" Fighter says happily.

The wizard sighs, opting to ignore his traveling companion and return his attention to the beautiful redhead woman. And isn't that just  _great_ , because all of them standing side-by-side can put things into perspective: she is taller than him by half a head like White Mage; and standing beside her is Fighter, who is in turn taller than her by half a head... why is the world so gigantic anyway?

"And look! This is the snipe!" Fighter is ignorant of Black Mage's internal turmoil as he presented the weird bird proudly, but before the young wizard's brain has properly rebooted to form a coherent reply, or, better yet torch the stupid nonexistent bird out of existence, a ring of fire erupts around the clearing and circles them all.

Arya clenches her fists tightly. The Shade's arrival can only mean that Glenwing and Fäolin are dead.

That's when a pure black steed leaps over the flaming tongues and of course, lands on Black Mage. Fffffffffffffffffffffffff--

"Princess," Durza greets the elven royalty coldly from his mount, paying careful mind to the scarlet armored young man with a white cape and silver tiara. He did not expect the elf to have more guards, and how suspicious too that the last is a human. Before the Shade can give it more thoughts, however, a second blinding bluish light gathers around the forest groove, drawing his attention to the creature trampled by his mount, and...

**_Hadoken!_ **

A solid pillar of blue-white light explodes three inches from Durza's face and shoots straight upward, and upward, and upward... until a very visible crater appears on the moon, taking out approximately a sixth of its surface.

 

 

Durza widens his maroon eyes in shock, and Arya feels her throat goes dry. Neither of them has ever seen magic of this magnitude.

"I think you missed, BM," Fighter says, pointing out the obvious. And the black steed stamps its foot down again, giving Black Mage another dozen extra fractures for good measure.

"I... hate you guys."

Quickly, Durza steers his horse away from the dangerous being, for surely that is no man what with the face completely concealed under the wide brim of a straw-hat save for the pair of ominous glowing eyes. And now that Durza has noticed his mistake, it would be foolish to again raise the creature's ire. "How are you still alive?" Durza asks in a hoarse whisper as he watches the heavily armed man help the blue robed creature from the ground.

Black Mage coughs a little blood, but can already feel the world mending his wounds. Reality hates him alive but fears him dead, thus Black Mage will forever curse the semi-immortality he appears to have.

"Why is it  _always_  the  _redheads_?" Black Mage screams at the Shade, pointing a finger in accusation. "Isn't one already more than enough for my life? Where's all the cute girls of another hair color go? Venus? And who the heck are you?"

As the little man's rant goes on and on, Arya takes the chance to slowly back off, but of course it doesn't work and six Urgals stop her on her tracks. The Shade's eyes look towards her in warning, and he raises his palm. " _Garjzla_ ," he says, shooting red light from his hand and Arya collapses onto the hard forest floor.

Black Mage looks to the fallen elven woman, then looks to the evil-looking red-eyed man, "Heh," the young wizard says, before immediately retreating at the slightest hint of danger, pushing Fighter up front in the process.

"Ohh, can ugly person there be a Random Encounter? He did appear out of nowhere," Fighter drops the snipe bird and draws his twin blue swords, "Stand back, Black Mage! He shall taste my blade!"

"Who are you?" Durza asks cautiously, "What do you seek in these woods?"

Fighter lights up at the question. "My name is Fighter and this is my best friend Black Mage," he introduces, all hostility forgotten, "We were looking for some cookies, or pies. I think Black Mage prefer pies. Obviously we're hungry, but we aren't lost, even though BM insisted we are... But then he told me he wants a snipe, which is weird--"

"Shut up," Black Mage interrupts, stabbing Fighter in the back of the head with his knife. "We're just adventurers traveling the woods looking for a quest--"

"A heroic quest!" Fighter adds, and following this proclaim, Fighter finds Black Mage accidently dropping a second knife into his hard brain. But that's okay, because they are bestest friends and BM would never hurt him! (Except for that one time Black Mage was brainwashed and was really really evil. But that time doesn't count!)

"As I was saying, we're just average adventurers, not some omnicidal maniac bend on destroying the universe, nothing suspicious there. So I'm pretty sure we can just part ways and everything will be fine," Black Mage tells the Shade as he pulls his large hat lower and tries to act less threatening. "What do you say?"

Durza narrows his eyes at that cowardly appearance. Can it be that the small man does not realize the shear destructive power he wields? Neither way, it's painfully clear that these two do not possess the brightest nor sanest of minds. "So you are seeking shelter and jobs?"

"One that is heroic!" Fighter emphasizes, just as Black Mage says, "Preferably evil."

Durza can almost feel the beginning of a migraine coming. And one of the remaining Urgals chooses that moment to speak up, "How does that work?" the Urgal asks, as even the slow-minded specie can see the flaw in their logic.

A blast of fire from Durza effectively shuts his underlings up. "I'm sure my king will be glad to provide food and shelter in exchange for your services," the Shade says, but upon seeing the unconvinced faces on the two so-called adventurers, he adds, "there is a heroic quest that involves retrieving a precious stolen item."

"I'll help!" Fighter immediately agrees.

"I'm not so sure..."

"My king is very evil."

"I'm in."

 

 

 

 


End file.
